you know that feeling..the one where your body is tired, your mind is tired, and you just sort of sit. Not numb, just present, maybe on the verge of tears, maybe on the verge of laughter. i'm there. its kind of peaceful but my heart kind of aches because it misses, so maybe not so peaceful.
it's 10am, and i'm sitting in the physics library.
got 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night then biked furiously to the bus stop this morning, got a phone call from my friend with no phone that they were at a different stop, biked again. locked it. I ran about two blocks and when I got to the stoplight I could see that no one was at the stop. My heart pretty much dropped at that point and I just started walking. I don't know why I didn't just turn around and go back to campus or something. I sat down and cried for about a minute. Asked God why I couldn't say goodbye. You know how in the cheesy movies, the fog sort of lifts and then clarity comes, or something like that, maybe a big car zooms by and then there's that person, the one you thought you'd lost. Well there was that yellow shirt, that pretty yellow shirt and that pretty dirty yellow hair. I was at the wrong stop. I looked down the street and bus was turning down.
And now I'm here. Rode the bus back with two people who were strangers last night, weird how things like this automatically tie you together. There's no awkwardness, no one is phony. You can cry in front of them and no one cares. Conversation darts back and forth, between the future and the past, and then random topics to lighten the mood.
I like that sort of vulnerability. And it's okay that my heart hurts a little. It's good for people to know that. I don't bend. I don't think I ever go back to being the same person when circumstances change. I break. But I'm being pieced back together into something more wonderful I hope, but not for my sake.